Can I tell you something? It’s kind of a big thing, so I’m gonna need you to keep it quiet. You know Arash, right? Of course you do. Anyway, we kind of, uh I don’t know um robbed a bank last week. God, I know! I know it’s terrible, but I really needed to get that off my chest. To be honest I don’t know what drove me to say yes, but if I’m gonna be REALLY honest, it’s cuz Arash is REALLY HOT. I mean what else are you supposed to do when the most attractive guy you know finally gives you the time of day?
Sure, it was only to rob a bank, but I guess I thought there would have been more benefits to doing something like that. Aside from the money. Anyway, last week, Arash just saunters up to me and is like “Hey Arash, I think you’re pretty cool, so uhh, wanna rob a bank tomorrow?” and NATURALLY I said, “SUREEEEE ARASH! That seems like a completely acceptable and not at all illegal thing to do!” But who just asks that? I mean take me to dinner first. So, the next morning it’s like four AM, we’re getting ready to do the thing. I’m pretty nervous. The most illegal thing I’d done up until that point was J-walked. Arash looks at me and is all, “what ya scared?? This is gonna be a piece of cake.” I tried to be brave and said “You’re right! It’s not like uh… cheating at tetherball!!”
It’s WAY worse. So, we manage to get in without setting off any alarms. We were in and out SO quick and we got some good cash out of it. Like I said though, I thought there’d be more benefits to robbing a bank with a guy than cash. Turns out someone wanting to rob a bank with you does NOT coincide with getting married and having kids. So, so much for committing a felony in hopes of getting a date.