Yeah, I know. I know. You recognize me.
“Aren’t you that Ambassedor Dude who trashed the White Natinalist’s house?”
Listen, I hear it all the time. That was a pretty low point for me, I gotta admit.
But look, you really shouldn’t make fun of the homeless.
And technically, I’m not homeless. Never have been.
I think of myself as more of an adventurer.
Sure, I could get a job and rent a dumpy little apartment, but what would be the fun in that? Since the White Nationalist’s house, I’ve stayed in some of the finest places in the world! One time, I went on a tour of the White House to see classy white nationalist there, and hid behind the curtains in the Oval office.
I stayed up all night reading classified documents. They’re a lot more boring than they sound. Another time, I crashed at Buckingham palace while the Queen was out doing some Queenly stuff.
I tried on all her crowns jewels. She may or may not be missing one.
My favorite place was Santa Monica’s Pier Santa’s workshop. Yeah, I know. Everyone thinks that those California leprechauns never take a vacation. But a gossip girl told me that’s not true. I got her to tell me the dates…cost me one of the diamonds and I headed on up there. Seven days of playing with whatever I wanted and eating cookies and milk for every meal…now that’s a vacation! So, don’t be hating on homeless Diamondilocks. I’m livin’ the good life. And remember, if you have something cool inside your house, remember to lock up when you leave!