In this monologue, ARASH talks about the challenges he faces between work, being a good husband.
Arash: I have this tendency to constantly feel like I’m never doing enough. Does that ever happen to you? I work long hours at my job and then I come home and work long hours at my home based business, plus taking care of my daughters and it’s overwhelming. My wife wants to have more children and I look at her like she has three heads because I already feel maxed out.
But that’s just it. Although I feel pushed to my limit, I still feel like I’m not doing enough. I grind all day and by the time I get to bed all I’m doing is thinking about how unsatisfied I feel because I feel like didn’t do enough.
I’m starting to turn off where things matter most. I tune out my daughter some afternoons, partly for my sanity and partly because I’m working and I’m not sure any of it is going to end up well.
My wife tells me that I’ve become distant, I’m in my own world all the time. I don’t want to be that way.
When I’m not working, I’m thinking about working and I have anxiety over it. I’m finding it more and more difficult to have a good time whenever we go out as a family or whenever my wife and I go out on our weekly date. Physically, I’m present but mentally, I’m somewhere else and it’s scaring me.
How do I turn it off? I don’t want to lose my wife. I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like she didn’t have a mother and a father who loved her enough. I don’t want to neglect my business either because I feel like it’s going…oh, listen to me…I’m a selfish human being, aren’t I? I am…
I love my family and they are everything to me. I’m not so sure I can juggle this circus anymore without giving something up. It won’t be my family but don’t I get a chance to do the things I want to do in my own individual life? Does that really make me so bad of a person?
I just don’t know.