Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, neither myself and nor my company, nor Pasta had nothing to do with the untimely death of my wife. I beg for this case to be dismissed before my company suffers further. For almost a decade, our company has held the largest market share for pasta in the world. We have been through thick and thin, (and angel hair) fighting our adversaries and overcoming hurdle after hurdle. It has been a long and treacherous, unforgiving path, especially with the invention of keto diets. But we have made it, and we stand here together, today, in defiance of the odds, in unity. And it is of my utmost pleasure to announce that we are becoming more than pasta manufactures, today – we are pasta pioneers.
You are all familiar with ravioli, we have been bred and raised on the stuff, the epitome of pasta. And tomorrow, if I am not imprisoned, our company will honor our ancestors, and our nation, by unveiling our sausage filled ravioli, sausoli, patent pending. This revolutionary step in the world of pasta will forever unite the Australians and the Italians, with a cuisine that will outlast societies. I would like to dedicate this concoction to my late wife, whom we all adored. Yes, she died by choking on pasta. But it was not my fault or the poor linguini’s fault. Linguini is innocent! My wife LOVED pasta. She literally loved it to death. The poor woman gorged herself on it and that’s what killed her. I believe that I’ve made my case clear. You cannot convict me or my linguini. It will bankrupt us. Please vote to acquit. Do it for the children. Do it for the children who need their macaroni. I rest my case.